2020! What a ride! I'm happy for all of us that made it. Blessings to those who didn't. Some came out of that year better, others not so much. Some productively used that lockdown time to better themselves. Some delved into darkness. We all dealt with the nafarious days in whatever ways we could and did.
For me the year started out great. My youngest was enlisted in the service and finishing out her senior year and I was in love to the most beautiful soul ever. My dad was, what we thought, recovering from side effects of a cancer treatment. For Ohio, lockdown hit. April: The side effects of my dads treatment caused liver failure and over a 10 day span his untimely death. The day before Easter. May: my daughter's prom and graduation completely shut down. 2nd whammy for her and I both. The only child I did not get to see go to prom or graduate. BUT, alas, we threw one hell of a graduation/ off to boot camp party despite Gov DeWines orders. Then when it came time, to see her up to MEPS for her final swear in and to see her off to Parris Island, we make the trek to Northern Detroit to find out the ceremony was also cut off to the public. We impatiently waited outside for all those new recruits to make their way out in their own turns. She came out w her pack and said," mom, I'm selected to leave NOW. I have to go." She's walking fast, handing me stuff, we are trying to hug and get her in the GOV and myself back into my vehicle to follow her to the airport. To be honest, I'm dying inside and trying to hold my shit together. My ex husband came w me, her stepdad. The driver of the GOV, obviously, used to driving in Detroit traffic, gave us a run for our money to keep up. After several near accidents and me trying to not cry we make it to the airport. They stop and 4 other recruits get out. I'm right behind them following them all into the airport just knowing I'd have at least 30 mins w her. Get in line to get my security pass to see her off when she comes over and tells me she is immediately boarding the plane because its set to leave in 15 mins. My nightmare coming true. We were still in line so masks had to be on. A barricade between her line and mine we had our very brief hug and see you laters. Composed myself, said love yous and I didn't cry until I got back into my car. Knowing I'd go home and forever wait for the I made it to bootcamp, scripted call. It finally came at 946 pm that night. The crying was uncontrollable. The weeks I waited for her first letter seemed like a million lifetimes. Then it was just non stop. Her boot camp graduation was also closed off to the public, so unlike her brother's, I wasn't able to attend BUT I vacationed that week 1.5 hrs from her in Charleston SC. Closest I could be to her in her height of glory. She had sent me one of her boot straps to wear as a bracelet and as of today, I still do. Prior to my vacation w my friend Gina...my love and I had a falling out. Hadn't really spoken in a few weeks but he reached out when she graduated boot camp...said we did it and for me to tell her how proud he was of her. We agreed when I got back from vacation we'd go get coffee and talk. Almost 4 years together and we were finally going to get past his fears. After all the previous I was super excited.
My love had some issues so prior to all of this I gave him my blue and white diamond engagement ring back. Told him to hold onto it. When he was better, I'd take it back in good faith. He vowed he would. Addiction to alcohol is a bitch. So Sept 27 comes and goes. I reached out once, as did he. I figured when he was ready to have that coffee he'd reach out. I gave him his space.....
The day of Oct 15 2020...I woke up w him on my mind. My shift 3am at the post office...on my mind. I was thought of him...almost too much. BUT, that day it was non stop. Creepily non stop. Came home from my shift, cleaned house, and about 430pm decided I needed a deep soak, face mask, candles...the whole 9 yards. A little after 5pm, still in my garden tub, I start texting. Then I sent him a lyric from a song. No answer. That bothered me because no matter what he always, always answered me. It bothered the hell outta me, BUT he was a business owner and busy so I kept it under check. Never heard a word. When I awoke the next morning at 145am for work and saw no response...my heart felt dead. Went to work, got off work. Got back to my town and around 1030am, I'll never forget this. I was in Family Dollar shopping when I got the notification he had hung himself. Sometime between the night of the 15th and early morning of the 16th he killed himself. I. LOST. MY.SHIT. Intuition is a bitch. All I could think was why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I go to his shop? Why didn't I call instead of text? We never had much space, so why was concerned that day about it?! 2 days later his mom set up a private viewing for me. Only because her and I didn't see eye to eye on his addiction. Albeit it was thoughtful, but she didn't want to see me at his public viewing and I was perfectly fine w all that bullshit. I went and saw him. Touched his hand, his face. I was gravely disengaged because he wasn't warm. Not sure why I thought he would be. I talked to him for a few minutes and he had on a collered shit. I, for whatever reason, had to know that there was no grotesque bruising of his neck. Makeup, I dont know..if so it didn't match the makeup on his face, but no visible bruising and that made me content. I did not attend the funeral. That weekend I got insanely drunk. So drunk that a so called friend called the police on me. I ended up, by them, at our local hospital who then handed me over to a mental facility. *Nope, not making this shit up, I promise you* I was diagnosed w acute shock and acute grief disorder, released 72 hrs later. Back to my dad. He wanted no viewing, no graveside service. Didn't believe in all that bullshit. BUT Scotty and I had a thing for graveyards, so naturally that's where I wanted to be. I placed some Momentos on his grave. Went back a week later..gone. Took flowers and a candle for All Saints Day and for the Day off the dead...gone. Took a tree of life crystal..gone. His mother, as I call her, Norma Bates, had taken everything I left and disposed of them. So I quit going. As of December 2020, I haven't been back. Meanwhile, I became a quagmiric pile of stupidity. Hated life. Hated my job. Hated myself. After dad, Kiana, then this...I was a complete fckn mess. 💯. My ex husband I spoke of earlier, wasn't really there for me when my dad. He just shut down. But for this, he tried his damnedest to be there for me. There just was no solice. NONE. I slid into a black hole. Alcohol caused him a felony DUI. He wasn't going to prison. Hence he hung himself. What does my dumbass do....? I drank myself in memories. I drank myself into hate. I drank myself to go into work and be a hateful bitch. I did what killed him. I hated everything and everyone. Put on 40 pounds..zero fucks given.
Here we are 38 weeks into his death. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of hateful. I hate beer. I'm tired of blaming everyone, including myself, but him. I'm tired of all his excuses and letting me down. The only person I can be mad at is him. And to clearly make this understood..I nearly lost my job. I nearly lost those closest to me. For what?? He's dead. I'm living.
There's a million lessons to be learned. Always put yourself 1st. Not everyone can be fixed. Alcohol isn't the answer. You can only help those who help themselves. Attacking others for your heartbreak isn't an answer. Through times like these, you see who had your ass. Suicide Awareness is key. Some things are meant to be.
And being a hateful ass bitch, well it may feel great for a moment, isn't ever the answer. So here's to getting back to normal.✌️❤️ And a huge ty for those who stood by me. Time for me to get back to reality, as I know it.
