Suicide 43 weeks in

 Last night I watched the Perseid Meteor Shower. Talked to Scotty and my dad in heaven. It was cloudy and lightning, but I got to see one fly by. I was thankful. Scotty and I were lucky to see many during our time together so it was pure greatness last night. I haven't been sleeping well. I was so exhausted last night so I immediately fell out. 

Ive only dreamt once of Scotty since his suicide. The night after his death. It was so vivid. Until last night. I clearly dreamed of his face, a Bible, an ornate box, and my engagement ring. The dream was bright and full of happiness.  My engagement ring was a little different. Across the marquise stone was a thin band knotted in gold. I woke up remembering every vivid detail and I was happy and peaceful. The FIRST time in a very long time. I have no clue what any of that means, but it brought some closure. I am still angry he never responded to my texts that night. Or that fact he didn't reach out before his final act. But if it's possible for the dead to reach out, I feel as if, after last night....he did.

Let's Get Back To Reality

 2020!  What a ride! I'm happy for all of us that made it. Blessings to those who didn't. Some came out of that year better, others not so much. Some productively used that lockdown time to better themselves. Some delved into darkness. We all dealt with the nafarious days in whatever ways we could and did. 

For me the year started out great. My youngest was enlisted in the service and finishing out her senior year and I was in love to the most beautiful soul ever. My dad was, what we thought, recovering from side effects of a cancer treatment. For Ohio, lockdown hit. April: The side effects of my dads treatment caused liver failure and over a 10 day span his untimely death. The day before Easter. May: my daughter's prom and graduation completely shut down. 2nd whammy for her and I both. The only child I did not get to see go to prom or graduate. BUT, alas, we threw one hell of a graduation/ off to boot camp party despite Gov DeWines orders. Then when it came time, to see her up to MEPS for her final swear in and to see her off to Parris Island, we make the trek to Northern Detroit to find out the ceremony was also cut off to the public. We impatiently waited outside for all those new recruits to make their way out in their own turns. She came out w her pack and said," mom, I'm selected to leave NOW. I have to go." She's walking fast, handing me stuff, we are trying to hug and get her in the GOV and myself back into my vehicle to follow her to the airport. To be honest, I'm dying inside and trying to hold my shit together. My ex husband came w me, her stepdad. The driver of the GOV, obviously, used to driving in Detroit traffic, gave us a run for our money to keep up. After several near accidents and me trying to not cry we make it to the airport. They stop and 4 other recruits get out. I'm right behind them following them all into the airport just knowing I'd have at least 30 mins w her. Get in line to get my security pass to see her off when she comes over and tells me she is immediately boarding the plane because its  set to leave in 15 mins. My nightmare coming true. We were still in line so masks had to be on. A barricade between her line and mine we had our very brief hug and see you laters. Composed myself, said love yous and I didn't cry until I got back into my car. Knowing I'd go home and forever wait for the I made it to bootcamp, scripted call. It finally came at 946 pm that night. The crying was uncontrollable. The weeks I waited for her first letter seemed like a million lifetimes. Then it was just non stop. Her boot camp graduation was also closed off to the public, so unlike her brother's, I wasn't able to attend BUT I vacationed that week 1.5 hrs from her in Charleston SC. Closest I could be to her in her height of glory. She had sent me one of her boot straps to wear as a bracelet and as of today, I still do. Prior to my vacation w my friend Gina...my love and I had a falling out. Hadn't really spoken in a few weeks but he reached out when she graduated boot camp...said we did it and for me to tell her how proud he was of her. We agreed when I got back from vacation we'd go get coffee and talk. Almost 4 years together and we were finally going to get past his fears. After all the previous I was super excited. 

My love had some issues so prior to all of this I gave him my blue and white diamond engagement ring back. Told him to hold onto it. When he was better, I'd take it back in good faith. He vowed he would. Addiction to alcohol is a bitch. So Sept 27 comes and goes. I reached out once, as did he. I figured when he was ready to have that coffee he'd reach out. I gave him his space.....

The day of Oct 15 2020...I woke up w him on my mind. My shift 3am at the post office...on my mind. I was thought of him...almost too much. BUT, that day it was non stop. Creepily non stop. Came home from my shift, cleaned house, and about 430pm decided I needed a deep soak, face mask, candles...the whole 9 yards. A little after 5pm, still in my garden tub, I start texting. Then I sent him a lyric from a song. No answer. That bothered me because no matter what he always, always answered me. It bothered the hell outta me, BUT he was a business owner and busy so I kept it under check. Never heard a word. When I awoke the next morning at 145am for work and saw no response...my heart felt dead. Went to work, got off work. Got back to my town and around 1030am, I'll never forget this. I was in Family Dollar shopping when I got the notification he had hung himself. Sometime between the night of the 15th and early morning of the 16th he killed himself. I. LOST. MY.SHIT. Intuition is a bitch. All I could think was why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I go to his shop? Why didn't I call instead of text? We never had much space, so why was concerned that day about it?! 2 days later his mom set up a private viewing for me. Only because her and I didn't see eye to eye on his addiction. Albeit it was thoughtful, but she didn't want to see me at his public viewing and I was perfectly fine w all that bullshit. I went and saw him. Touched his hand, his face. I was gravely disengaged because he wasn't warm. Not sure why I thought he would be. I talked to him for a few minutes and he had on a collered shit. I, for whatever reason, had to know that there was no grotesque bruising of his neck. Makeup, I dont know..if so it didn't match the makeup on his face, but no visible bruising and that made me content. I did not attend the funeral. That weekend I got insanely drunk. So drunk that a so called friend called the police on me. I ended up, by them, at our local hospital who then handed me over to a mental facility. *Nope, not making this shit up, I promise you* I was diagnosed w acute shock and acute grief disorder, released 72 hrs later. Back to my dad. He wanted no viewing, no graveside service. Didn't believe in all that bullshit. BUT Scotty and I had a thing for graveyards, so naturally that's where I wanted to be. I placed some Momentos on his grave. Went back a week later..gone. Took flowers and a candle for All Saints Day and for the Day off the dead...gone. Took a tree of life crystal..gone. His mother, as I call her, Norma Bates, had taken everything I left and disposed of them. So I quit going. As of December 2020, I haven't been back. Meanwhile, I became a quagmiric pile of stupidity. Hated life. Hated my job. Hated myself. After dad, Kiana, then this...I was a complete fckn mess. 💯. My ex husband I spoke of earlier, wasn't really there for me when my dad. He just shut down. But for this, he tried his damnedest to be there for me. There just was no solice. NONE. I slid into a black hole. Alcohol caused him a felony DUI. He wasn't going to prison. Hence he hung himself. What does my dumbass do....? I drank myself in memories. I drank myself into hate. I drank myself to go into  work and be a hateful bitch. I did what killed him. I hated everything and everyone. Put on 40 pounds..zero fucks given. 

Here we are 38 weeks into his death. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of hateful. I hate beer. I'm tired of blaming everyone, including myself, but him. I'm tired of all his excuses and letting me down. The only person I can be mad at is him. And to clearly make this understood..I nearly lost my job. I nearly lost those closest to me. For what?? He's dead. I'm living. 

There's a million lessons to be learned. Always put yourself 1st. Not everyone can be fixed. Alcohol isn't the answer. You can only help those who help themselves. Attacking others for your heartbreak isn't an answer. Through times like these, you see who had your ass. Suicide Awareness is key. Some things are meant to be. 

And being a hateful ass bitch, well it may feel great for a moment, isn't ever the answer. So here's to getting back to normal.✌️❤️ And a huge ty for those who stood by me. Time for me to get back to reality, as I know it.

Low Carb Update

It's been a few since I last posted. I am still running 74-77 pounds lost, which puts me about 8 pounds from my goal weight. I have been playing around with my carb intakes for almost 2 months, trying to see exactly where I can intake a few more and still lose. It's not a mathematical science nor even ideal and magical. Frustrating actually. I have learned tortilla chips in low moderation don't raise much concern. With that being said, I should have stayed with low moderation. Went to our local Mexican restaurant last night and since I have discovered eating tortilla chips under 15 of them didn't raise any weight gain I decided to push the envelope. I ordered a nacho supreme dinner. Chicken, jalapenos, cheese, sour cream, guacamole...all the low carb goodies PLUS the tortilla chips. I do NOT RECOMMEND this. I have literally been sick since 7am. Vomiting and diarrhea most of the day. Kind of like KETO FLU only in reverse..from too many carbs. Now mind you, I only gained 1.5 pounds from the palate indulgence but my Lord, the sickness from eating a million carbs vs my 15 carb daily intake is HELL. This is my 3rd and worse cheat in the almost 2 years of doing this. I do not play around with sugar and still avoid it at all cost. Needless to say, the 3rd time is a charm. There will be no more cheating because the instant pleasure is not worth the sickness I have today. It hurts worse than a hang over and no morning beer to stop the hangover if you know what I mean. You have to ride the storm out. 

Other than that little screw up, I have been doing well. Inches still keep falling even when the weight numbers move up and/or down. Still in my size 5-6 from 18-20 and still in medium shirts vs size XXL. So  the good still outweighs the bad which is good enough for me at the moment. I have a goal to lose the last 8 pounds before the end of Feb. Wanting to maintain around 133 to 135. 

To those newbies, keep on. Don't give up. To the veterans....you know what you need to do. Until next time Keto on and NOOOO CHEATING!! Trust me on this.

Low Carb and Life Stress

Everything about a low carb lifestyle is constant work and dedication. Counting carbs, trying not to make mistakes, deciding to weigh or measure your inches, and just the struggles of balancing a "normal" life into the mix of low carb can be time consuming.

With that being said how do you go on in case of something catastrophic? Life changes constantly and with that they are not always good changes. Things like divorce, death, job loss, and any number of other things can happen.

July of 2017 a series of events happened to me that just blew my life apart. My husband told me our marriage was over, I had to immediately vacate our home, and I changed jobs. My head was everywhere and in the midst of all this chaos I still managed to worry how I was going to continue my low carb lifestyle with any sanity. 

The first few days I really had no appetite trying to adapt to my new changes and living situation. We all know just not eating isn't a good thing so I started off with small things, more of a snacking type of eating. I just made sure everything was low carb, which was hard because where I moved to they didn't have much in the low carb section of their refrigerator, lol!!

The stress was enormous and non stop. I remember now, looking back, that I was positive this lifestyle was just going to go to hell. Fast. That too, became a stressor in itself.

Perseverance pays off. I figured since I worked so hard for over a year to lose 70+ pounds I wasn't going to let a divorce and career change steal what I struggled so hard for. That was one thing I wasn't going to have taken from me. I stayed the course and because of the stress I was not losing weight as fast, but once I acclimated to my new life, the stress diminished, and the weight started coming off once again.

Everyone is different. Everyone handles life differently...good or bad. Set backs happen and that is perfectly fine. If you encounter one, just remember to climb back on. It's only failure if you totally give up and never look back. All you can do is always give it your personal best. Until next time, low carb on my friends!

Keeping The Goal

Maintaining is important. I am within 10 pounds of my original goal of 85 pounds off. I kind of like where I am at 75 pounds lost. I may settle for 80 and call it a day.

I have maintained under 20g of net carbs a day for 1 year and 3 months. Since I have reached my 75 mark, I have allowed myself to go to 25g of net carbs twice a week. This has proven successful to me and I have pretty much stayed right at 142 pounds, down from the 217 where I started. If I decide to go to the 80 to 85 pound loss, I will cut out the 25g net carbs twice a week. 

It's amazing where I started out until now. The days, weeks, months became easier and easier. Where I once thought I wouldn't make it past 3 weeks has became a lifestyle you don't even second guess. It's amazing all of the foods I thought I couldn't live without have now became a faded memory. I no longer crave anything other than low carb deliciousness. 

This is where the true test begins. Reaching, or nearly reaching your final goal isn't a green light to get lazy or to say, "Oh, a little bit won't hurt" You've come a long journey and nothing is worth going backwards. 

Just remember maintaining is important too.

Stallllliinnnggggg: It Sucks

Stalling happens. Just like that. Don't fret. UNLESS you did it to yourself because you did what you weren't  supposed to do. If that's the case no boo hooing for yourself. Many factors can cause you to stall. Carbs creeping up because you didn't count correctly, certain foods such as dairy and artificial sweeteners can stall you. Also, not variating your meal patterns, processed foods, eating too few carbs can slow down the metabolism. Too much protein and not enough fats and/or carbs can also slow and stall you. Nix the alcohol, fruits, and consuming too many nuts are contributing factors. Who knew so much could cause a stall!? The hardest for me to absorb was, too much caffeine can stall you. This coming from a girl who drinks 138 ounces of coffee/tea a day. ouch!!!

Also, for the beginners, it is common about week 3 of low carb to stall. It's all good. It is your body preparing for ketosis. Monthly cycles can stall as well for the females reading this.

Some stalls are good. They can be a resting place as your body begins to adjust to rapid amounts of weight loss...true story. These stalls should be expected. Avoid salt, another staller. For some calories do matter and can cause a stall. Luckily for me that has not been a factor.

I've been reading so many stories lately of people really down over their stalls. Don't give up. Tweak what you can, avoid what you are supposed to, and you'll find what it is causing your stalls. If you need to keep notes to see what you need to take out or adjust, do it until you find the recipe that works for you. It bothers me so much seeing so many discouraged over stalls. Don't quit. being fabulous doesn't come easy, and you are all fab!! Until next time #carb-on

1 Year Low Carb Anniversary... I Survived 😃

"You've come a long way baby" sums up my attitude for today. A big pat on my back, a bigger pat on the FB group I❤️LC/Ohio, and super dee duper hugs to Lisa P, Susan H, and Staci M for taking a newbie low-carber and leading that horse to water. 

What a year it has been. Ups, down, highs, lows, smiles, tears and progress. Looking back 67 pounds ago I cant believe this  journey. What seemed to be a lifetime at the moment of not having what everyone else got to enjoy seems so not a year ago. Satisfaction fills every oracle knowing I never gave up and always had a great support system. 

All the fears I first felt, appear kind of comical now. Worrying if I added up carbs correctly. Was I supposed to subtract fiber? Add it in? Sugar alcohol, what?? I am blessed. Blessed in having a healthier weight, blessed to be on this ride w other amazing people who have shared their issues, good and bad. 

Honestly if you want to succeed, just go for it. Balls in! You have nothing to fear, except fear itself. Failure is temporary. You can aways get back on track. Whether its low carb, whether its a simple diet, exercise whatever,  you just go for it. Be your own warrior. Be inspired, be someone's inspiration. Just never give up. 1 year down, a milestone. Many more to go. Get in, buckle up, and lets hit the better for yourswlf highway! I'm proud of myself and I am proud of anyone doing anything to make themselves a better person. Physically, spiritually, mentally.. Pick your poison. Until my next post Keto on!